One of the reasons I started this blog is that so I can have a place to go to whenever I feel like I just want to get away.....

So, I'm here. Sitting in front of my laptop typing my frustrations away. And as much as I feel bad and guilty having locked myself in my bedroom. I feel its necessary for me to have this time for myself.

My youngest one is here with me. She's sleeping on my bed (finally). It's been a tough night. My other two adorable trouble maker is downstairs with their dad.

It's been a busy week. The kids schedules alone just take up most of my time. From taking them to school, to picking them up, then on to ballet or taekwando (depends what day it is), then homework, dinner, bath time and finally its time for bed. By the end of my day, I am just exhausted. That's one reason why I run every morning - to keep up with them every day. Still, by 8 o'clock I just want to be left alone and crash on my bed. But I have a four month old and she still doesnt sleep well through the night. So that is why I am exhausted *sigh*

Last night around 7 o'clock. My daughter started complaining about her stomachache. She has been having pains since early this week. But it comes and goes. So I figured its probably cause she doesnt eat well. She's very picky with her food. And if its not junk food, she wont eat it.

Anyway, last night she told me it was hard for her to walk or stand up cause of the pains coming from her tummy. And that got me worried. So as much as I didnt want to spend hours at the emergency room, I knew I had to take her.

We were at the hospital for four hours. They took x-rays, blood tests etc. She's fine now but by the time we got out, it was 11pm, we had to go pick up her prescription and my husband wanted me to stop at Burger King for him (even though we have a lot of food in the house - he cant stay away from junk food). I didnt get any rest until almost 1am. Then the baby woke up at 3 and 6 in the morning. Then my kids went in my bedroom at 7 wanting breakfast. So thats that.

No wonder I am so bitchy this morning. Not much sleep. Then I go down stairs and the house is a mess. Arghhhhh!!!! I just wanted to scream!...One thing I CANNOT stand is a messy house. Then my husband comes downstairs and asked "whats for breakfast"...I just lost it.

I wasnt trying to start an argument. Perhaps I just wanted him to empathize with me. But instead he said something really mean. Out of frustration, I made a comment saying "I'm just so tired, you guys are driving me crazy." ( I meant that mostly for him - he's high maintenance in a lot of ways and sometimes I just wish he'd help me out a little bit more instead of being so demanding)

Anyway, he said something back to me that just made me cry. He said "I know its hard, no wonder your mom left you". He was referring to why my mom left me and my brother when we were little (about my kids age 5 and 7).  It made me feel like perhaps he was right. I probably drove my mom nuts and she just couldnt handle it anymore. But the DIFFERENCE between my mom and I is that I would NEVER leave my kids. No matter how hard it is to be a mother or how many times they drive me crazy. I love them too much. And maybe my mom just didnt love me enough. Oh well....

Anyway, there are times I thought about leaving my husband especially when he's being a jerk and says things like that. But I made a promise a long time ago, that I would NEVER put my kids through all the pain I've been through as a child when my parents separated. That I'll try to bear the cross I am meant to carry for the sake of my kids.

Yes I'm tired...exhausted...and there are times I often question myself as to how much longer I can take this...but I love my kids...and that's the bottom line...And I know in my heart that that love is enough to carry me through..... ~K~

I'm so proud of myself. I went out for my morning run after dropping the kids off to school. Usually, I'd run about 3 miles or so. But this morning, I pushed myself harder to run farther - almost 4 miles. And the word is "almost"...cause my calves started to ache. Maybe I didnt warm up enough. But still, I am so proud of me! It feels so damn good to be able to run like that. To feel that good about yourself. It's been a long time.

When I got home, I went straight to the kitchen - I was so thirsty. As I stand there drinking my water,  I felt a sudden sadness..dont know where it came from. Well, maybe I do but I cant talk about it. At first, I was trying to hold the tears back. But I couldnt do it any longer. So I let out a good cry :-(

After a good five minutes. I prayed. I told God to give me the strength to get through this. And that I'll leave it up to Him to do what is best for me. I looked around me. And I started counting my blessings. Then I told myself "this too will pass"....

Perhaps its just a combination of everything. Being a mom is hard enough, being a "good" mom is even harder. As much as I would love to hire a part time help or a full nanny, I still think its best that I dont. I really dont want anyone else, a stranger I barely know to do the "mom" stuffs for my kids. So even though I'm exhausted at times, perhaps even overwhelmed, I still think no other person can do what a mom does. And that's the reason I decided to be a stay-at-home-mom, so that I can shower my kids with love - love I never really had.

Anyway, I can feel the tears starting to fall again. There are so many things my heart wants to convey but...I just cant...I think I'll go give my little baby girl hugs and kisses. That always takes away the pain, if not, at least it lessens it. I am truly blessed. I am sorrounded with love every day. ~K~

I had a dentist appt. this morning...it was my first time with this dentist (I didnt like our old one). I've never been to his office before...but the 1-800- DENTIST recommended him. So much to my surprise when I walked in to see that he's awfully cute ...my first reaction was "oh my goodness, this guy is going to look inside my mouth!" I wanted to run out the door...LOL....I've always had a female dentist...now I know why I never picked a male dentist. It's just embarrassing having to open my mouth in front of him. And it doesnt help that he's good looking. I wanted to hide...*giggle*..

At times like this, I wish I could call my best friend. We would've had a good laugh. I'm sure she would've loved this story. We used to laugh a lot. I loved her for her great sense of humor. Oh by the way, she never responded to my email. That's OK, I'm at peace with myself. At least, I finally told her why I felt I had to end our friendship. Whether she understood my reasons or not, its up to her.

Maybe we'll never be able to go back to the way things were. Perhaps my apologies and explanations were too late. I dont want to hurt anymore. If we never speak again, I'll be OK....

Anyway, I survived my dentist appt. today. I didnt have a choice but to have him look inside my mouth. He went ahead and put another filling on my tooth. Thank goodness that was that!

Hope everyone's enjoying their weekend. Its supposed to rain here today but instead its sunny and warm. Maybe I'll go for a run... ~K~

The first thing I did this morning after dropping off the kids to school was to go out for my morning run. I am sooo proud of myself for having ran more than 3 miles. I havent done that in a long time. Perhaps that has something to do with why I'm feeling much better today.

Well, that and I called my best friend. Yup! I called her, can you believe that? I cant. I was feeling sooo good about myself, so proud that I had pushed myself to run further and had done it, that made me feel like I can do anything. I looked at my life and had a different point of view today than yesterday. I had to keep reminding myself that there are other people worse off than me. That God has blessed me abundantly and it was up to me to count my blessings and not let self pity take over me.

Anyway, like I said, I was feeling like I can do just about anything - so I called her. Just to see how she's doing. I dont know what came over me. I didnt even know what to say if she had answer the phone. Thank God she didnt. 

So I called our other friend, Rose. And she told me that my best friend has been wanting to call me but was afraid that I'd tell her off. Besides, it was me who ended our friendship. She said she didnt want to force herself to me since I decided I want nothing to do with her. I can understand that. I probably wouldnt want to call me either...LOL...

Anyway, Rose and I were talking when my best friend called. Rose decided to have her join us on the line. I didnt really know what to say to her. It has been four months or more since the last time I spoke to her. We talked a little bit, laughed a little bit. But deep down I could tell things were different. I knew this isnt gonna be easy.

We stayed on the line for about 10 minutes. Then I told them I had to go (the filling on my tooth came off and I had to call my dentist - that wasnt an excuse.) After we hanged up the phone, I thought to myself "it was good to hear her voice but I'm not sure we can go back to the way things were."

After calling my dentist, I called her and she didnt answer (again). I left a message and told her that I'm going to send her an email. Just wanted to give her a heads up just to make sure she reads it. I wrote her a longgg email. Basically just pouring my heart out as to why I ended our friendship awhile back and why I decided to call her again.

Honestly, I dont know if we could ever go back to the way things were. I miss her terribly but I'm not sure if I'm ready to let her into my life again. I'm sure she probably feels the same way. Its not that easy. But I pray to God that He'll show us the right path to take. And if we never become the best of friends again. I am still thankful that God has sent her my way. I will always treasure the memories we've shared...

Anyway, I'm just glad its Friday. Not that I get any days off...LOL...but the weekends are more fun!....'til my next entry, have a great weekend and as always - Be generous with your SMILE, Be generous with your TIME, be generous with your LOVE. ~K~

So many thoughts running in my head...my fingers arent fast enough on the keyboard to express how I'm feeling at the moment....

I miss my best friend...still...very much....*sigh*

On days like this, all I have to do is dial her number and have her listen to me cry. I dont have to explain to her whats wrong. No words necessary...I want to call her so badly but my instinct tells me that I shouldnt. I dont want to be friends with someone who doesnt value my friendship. And thats the bottom line....

I was watching Oprah a few weeks ago when she made a comment that made me miss my best friend even more...she said that with all the things she had been through, she ne ver needed a therapist because she always had her best friend Gail to talk to. I felt that way with my best friend. I could tell her everything that was "broken" in me. I let her in my life and shared with her things I never shared with anyone else. I took all the barriers down that took years to build and let her in. Showed her the real me. The broken parts of me not everyone sees...

Its funny sometimes when I go on my morning run. People look at me and must think "wow, she looks great after having a baby" (I dont mean that to sound like I'm so into myself) but I see the way they look at me. But what they dont see are the broken pieces of me. That inside, I'm really not all that. I dont feel confident. I dont feel beautiful. All I see is someone not strong enough. Not good enough. Someone who lives her life for her children. My precious little angels are the ones who makes my life worth living.

*Sigh* I really do miss my best friend...more than words can say...

Yesterday I was watching the news and in it they showed this segment where women can meet other women to be their best friends. Kind of like "speed dating" but only youre meeting someone not in a romantic way but more in a friendship level. I thought to myself "thats silly". You dont just pick someone to be your best friend. That takes times - years even. At least for me, I dont easily let a total stranger into my life and share things with her. I'm very guarded and cautious.

I have a few women friends and a great cousin who has been my best friend since childhood. But there are things that are not easy for me to share with them. I dont know what it is but I read somewhere once that when you meet someone you can totally connect with is like - "a heart sees a heart" and thats what happened when I met best friend. Oh well....that was in the past. I no longer feel that way. She's changed now that she has met all her new friends. Perhaps I was wrong to think she valued our friendship just as much as I did. I've learned my lesson.

I dont think I'll ever let myself be that close to anyone again. And all the broken pieces of me I'll have to learn how to mend on my own. In time, with all the love my kids sorround me with, I know the wounds will eventually heal..... ~K~

As busy as I am being a mom to three kids, every day I try to make time to have little special moments with my kids...something they can look back on when they get older...memories of how much I love them..its something I dont have a lot of - growing up without my mom...its hard even now, when my friends talk about their moms..I cant really relate to them...I want my kids to have a lot to talk about when they're all grown up...

I was cooking dinner tonight...I like to have music in the background when I'm preparing f or dinner...The kids are doing homework on the kitchen table...my youngest (almost four months old) finally went to sleep..She has a cold and hasnt been feeling well...

Anyway, out of the blue one of my favorite song came on...its called "Beautiful In My Eyes"...I said something like "oh my God I love this songgg!". I turned the volume up. I was listening to the lyrics of the song and never really realized how beautiful this song is. I just like the way it sounded before. I started singing along with it..."you will always be beautiful in my eyes....." then my daughter asked me "mom why do you love this song? who is beautiful in your eyes?" I turned to her and said "you baby...you, your brother and your little sister....you will always be beautiful to mommy". My son went "ewwww mom". He's such a boy! ....I told him "come here and dance with mommy". He didnt want to comply so I went to him and said "come on stinky, dance with mommy" and he did.. as usual, my oldest who doesnt like to be left out, wanted her turn, so we danced too...

That very moment, I truly feel so blessed...my children dancing with me...the youngest sleeping peacefully - what beautiful kids I have.....I feel so much love from them its overflowing....

~Beautiful In My Eyes~ by Joshua Kadison

To my little angels.....you will always be beautiful in my eyes....

You're my peace of mind in this crazy world.
You're everything I've tried to find, your love is a pearl.
You're my Mona Lisa, you're my rainbow skies,
and my only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

The world will turn and the seasons will change,
and all the leassons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.
We'll have our fill of tears, our share of sighs.
My only prayer is that you realize
you'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow more beautiful in my eyes.

When there are lines upon my face form a lifetime of smiles,
and when the time comes to embrace for one long last while,
we can laugh about how time really flies.
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies.
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes.
And the passing years will show
that you will always grow ever more beautiful in my eyes...

Thank you for all the love... ~K~

I dont remember the last time I was here....It's been awhile I know that...

I've been awfully busy with the kids (as usual) but when I do have the time for myself, I opt to do other things now instead of coming here to write...Writing still relaxes me but sometimes doing absolutely "nothing" for five minutes or so (depends what kind of day I'm having) is far more helpful...

I'd sit on my favorite corner in the backyard..I try not to think of what needs to be done that day...I just sit there, relaxing...breath in, breath out...enjoying the view...watching the clouds roll by.... or staring at the raindrops that are falling....just living the moment, trying to enjoy every second...its better than writing....

A lot of things has happened since my last entry here...so many "special moment's" shared with my little ones (perhaps I'll write about it later on when I have more time - they are moments that are too precious not to share with anyone else - the beauty of being a mom is so profound. It is the hardest thing but by far the most rewarding)

As I sit here, there are a lot of things my heart wants to say....but time is so limited for me...I'll come back again later...if not, you know where I'll be - sitting on my favorite spot in the backyard, enjoying my moments of silence..... ~K~

I've been staring at the computer screen for awhile...debating if I should write a post or not....there are a lot of things my heart wants to convey but words elude me....

My heart aches....Its not something I can easily talk about....maybe I'll go for a run instead....and if I have time I'll write about something else later.....

I havent had much time to sit down and write...I've been awfully busy..so many times I wanted to let a few things off my chest but I just didnt have the time...My oldest daughter has been sick so that kept me away from writing for a few days...She's better now so I'm here taking a break...

I was doing the dishes this morning when I said something out loud...Not sure the exact words but I think I said something like "this is never ending..." I meant the cleaning...If youre a mom you'll know exactly what I was talking about :-)

Anyway, I continued with my chores and put on some music (that always helps)..then I looked in the family room and saw my son who's five years old and my daughter who just turned seven last Sunday, started to help me out...I didnt even have to ask them to pick up their toys, they just did it..

Right at that moment, I stopped...I realized how lucky and blessed I am to have such good kids...They really are! And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm their mom...A few people have told me how impress they are of my kids...Dont get me wrong, they are not perfect. They have their days too...and there have been times when I just wanted to scream my head off because of something they did..but kids are kids....and all in all, I am so proud of them...they are my pride and joy....

Sometimes when I have moments like the ones I had this morning, I cant help but be thankful to God for having blessed me with three beautiful little angels...He must've thought "life" has given me enough heartaches ever since I was little, that He had to give me such great kids to make up for all the pain..all the sadness..the loneliness I had experienced growing up...that and I must've done something good for God to shower me abundantly with his blessings and love...

When my oldest turned seven, I thought "I was this young when my mom left us"....I couldnt help but wonder how I survived my childhood without my mom...I was my daugther's age when I learned how to cook, how to wash the dishes, how to clean our house...things that a seven year old shouldnt have had to deal with, I dealt with....a lot of life's experiences I should've been sheltered from, I have experienced...I didnt have much choice..My little brother depended on me...I had to grow up fast...for both of us....But as difficult as it was, I have no regrets..I have become the person I am now because of my journeys in life....and I probably wouldnt be the kind of mother I am now had I not have had those experiences in life that has shaped my heart....

When I think of the difference my kids have made in my life I cant help but feel overwhelmed by the love I feel for them...I never knew such love...and I will always be grateful for it....sometimes when I question myself if I'm a good mother...if I'm doing enough...I always end up with just one answer - as long as I shower them with love, everything's gonna be alright...

I'd love to write more but my little one is crying.... so until next time, I'll leave you with my own quote that I always tell my friends and family "Be generous...with your smile....with your time..and most of all, be generous with your love"..... ~K~

I've got tons of things to do today, so this will be short....

I just wanted to share how amaze I am at the kindness that has been shown to me here at tBLOG. When I first signed up to join, I wasnt completely sure if I'd like it here. I've visited this site a few times before joining and the majority of the blogs I read were mostly from a "younger crowd". I just didnt know if I fit in since I am older and married with kids. But I needed a place to be when I just want to get away for awhile. A place to share my thoughts. I didnt care if anyone would read my entries or not. So much to my surprise, I've had many visitors (meaning more than two...LOL) and a few have left some kind words as well - thank you for taking the time to do that.

I guess being from California I am not use to conversing with people who are kind...LOL...especially here in OC, most (not all) of the people here are so into themselves. If its not about them, they dont really care. So if I seem in awe at the kind words I've received its because its not something I am used to....

Anyway, I'm glad to be a part of this community. I realized that even though the majority of the bloggers here are young and hip. There are still a few who can catch my attention with the way they write..the way they put things into words...there are a lot of good writers here...some days, its just nice to sit down and read about their point of view....

Well, got to go...my 30 minutes is up...LOL....*sigh*...my life as a mom...its very busy but I LOVE it....be back later if I have the time to talk about my daughter's birthday (yesterday)....I cant believe she's seven now...she's growing up too fast for me...and I have a few things I want to write about that....

Really have to go...baby's crying..... ~K~

There was a time in my life when I wanted something for myself. It was very selfish of me to want it even though I knew I couldnt/shouldnt have it. I always say that God gives you other blessings to make up for the ones you "cant" have. He has blessed me with three beautiful little angels. Who loves me unconditionally. They are the ones who saved me from a life of emptiness. Having them in my life has more than made up for all the love I never had growing up...and sometimes when I'm having one of those unhappy moments, all I have to do is ask them for a kiss and a big teddy bear hug, then I'm OK again....there is nothing better than my children loving me...nothing....

Being a mom isnt easy. I wish I can say I'm great at it. I grew up without a mom. So I really dont have any idea what a mother should/shouldnt be. Most of the time, I dont even know what I'm doing. I just follow my heart. The rest I go by instinct.

I decided to stay home with my kids soon after I had my first born. I just couldnt stand the thought of someone else taking care of her. Even now that I have three, I could easily have a full time nanny to take care of them, but I prefer I do it all on my own. I'm not trying to be superwoman. Motherhood is the hardest thing but its also the most rewarding.

I want my children to have memories of me raising them. I never had that. When my friends talk about their mom. I never knew what to say. I couldnt relate. I dont want that for my kids. I want them to grow up knowing they are loved. And that their mom was always there no matter what..

Every now and then I'd have special moments with my little ones. I take the time to have a one on one with them. Just a "mom and me" kind of moment. I want them to grow up confident and secure. And those little moments will help them be the best person they can be.

There are days when I'd feel tired of doing what I'm doing. The monotony of being a "soccer mom." I often question if this is all there is for me. But at the end of a busy day, as I put them to bed and kiss them goodnite. I'd say "I love you" and the response I always get is a big hug and "I love you too, mom". Now thats what motherhood is all about, knowing that at the end of every day, you are appreciated and loved :-)..  ~K~ 

"Be generous with your SMILE,

Be generous with your TIME,

Be generous with your LOVE"

A lot of things I want to write but dont have the time to do it...even on weekends I'm just as busy, dont have a lot of free time....being a mom doesnt give you any days off....*sigh*...Anyway, I thought I'd share something I read awhile back....

 Everthing happens for a reason.  Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.  Illness, love, moments of greatness and sheer stupidity...all occurs to test the limits of your soul.  Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.  

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks  your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to..

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart .

 Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sighs high.  Hold your head up because you have every right to.  Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you.  Create your own life and then go out and live it…

Just got back from my morning run (yup I'm feeling so much better)...but boy, I can tell I'm getting old...I only missed a few days of it and I was already having a hard time running up the hill....*sigh*....when I was younger, I could stop working out for days and get back on it just like that....but getting old I cant do much about....staying healthy is the reason I do it for.....Besides 35 isnt old, is it?...well, I feel like I'm still on my early twenties....its all in the mind :-)

I've got a busy day today....thought I'd drop in a few lines here before I go...

My son and I were having a moment yesterday...I said something that made everyone in the room laugh...then he said "mom youre funny again"....wow, I hadnt realized I havent been funny in a long time...sometimes I get too caught up with everything thats been going on that I forget to take the time to laugh....or to make jokes with my little ones....so I spent most of the night wondering "what the heck happened to my sense of humor????".....

I guess my lack of it has something to do with me missing two of my very best friends...but life goes on...Anyway, I've got to go....need to look for my sense of humor.....its out there somewhere...I've got to get it back! :-).....  ~K~

Have you ever heard of a saying that if you do something out of the goodness of your heart that it comes back to you ten fold?...Well, something happened yesterday that made me realized how true that is....

I went to the emergency room yesterday. I was in a lotttt of pain. My throat was killing me, my whole body was sore, my ear was hurting, I had really bad cramps (no it wasnt that time of the month)...I tried to hold it together. Being a mom to three kids, its just not something you pay attention to. You keep thinking, this will pass. Keep taking motrin and tylenol (both at the same time, yes it was that painful) didnt help much. So to the emergency room I went....

I was in the waiting room for two hours. Waiting patiently while I was in pain. I couldnt sit still. I started getting chills over my body. I was soooo cold. The emergency room was packed. I was so miserable, I was just gonna walk out of there. Go back home and take more painkillers. I couldnt wait any longer. I thought I'd go see our family doctor first thing on Monday instead. The pain was just unbearable.

Then, all of sudden a nurse called someone in. An older lady who came in before me. She broke her ankle but didnt seem to be in much pain like I was. I thought, great, I'll be next then. And you know what she did? Much to my surprise, she told the nurse to take me in first. She said "this young lady seems to be in a lot of pain, take her instead."...I looked at her and felt bad. I know she must be in pain as well having a broken ankle. So I said "No, its OK, you go ahead. They'll call me next".. But she insisted. I felt bad but she wouldnt take no for an answer.

So, I went in...I had a fever of 105. Turns out I have a strep throat and a bladder infection. I'll be okay. The doctor gave me antibiotics. I could tell the difference already when I woke up this morning.

Anyway, on the way out, I went to look for "Darlene"  (the lady who was kind enough to have me take her place). I saw her laying down on one of the beds. I thanked her and gave her a hug. She said "Its OK dear, I hope you feel better". I wished her the same...

As I drove myself home (yes I drove myself there. My husband was out of town and had to leave the kids with a sitter) I thought of how nice Darlene was. And I wondered what made her do what she did. Then I thought perhaps all those little act of kindness I've done in the past - letting someone cut in front of me at the grocery store, let someone merge in front of me in traffic, giving a dollar or two to a total stranger who was holding a sign that says "please help"...I could go on and on but you get my point. Perhaps  all those little act of kindness came back to me yesterday thru Darlene (bless her heart)...and to her what she did wasnt much but to me, it made a big difference!

I always tell my kids to be kind and to never hesitate if youre given a chance to do something nice for anyone. Of course I dont tell them that expecting that it will come back to them ten fold. I tell them that because it will make them feel good about themselves having helped someone. There is nothing like putting a smile on someone's face or knowing that you made a difference in their lives. It really is NOT about the people you helped. Its about what makes you feel good inside....

Anyway, got to go and feed the kids breakfast. Yes, even when I'm sick, I still have to get up and take care of the kids. Thats just what a mom does :-)   ~K~

A couple of months ago, my best friend and I decided to part ways...Actually, it was more my decision than hers. I was really hurt by the fact that since she moved to Washington and have met some new friends, she has suddenly put me aside....

We used to have time for each other, no matter what we were doing, we would stop and just listen attentively... but since she started having a lot of her new friends around, her time became limited. Most of the time, she would say "Can I call you back" or "So and so is here.." which meant, she couldnt talk that long...

I remember the old days when I would feel sad or depressed, I'd call her just to have her listen to me cry. There were no words necessary, just knowing she was there on the other end of the line made me feel better. But so much has changed since she moved to Washington. I just didnt feel important enough. I felt like she didnt need me anymore, therefore she didnt "make" time for me the way she used to. And I didnt want to be in a friendship where I'm not wanted or needed. I didnt feel there was room for me in her life anymore. So, it was me who decided to end the friendship.

I have to admit *swallows my pride....I miss her terribly....

I miss her whenever I see a cute guy at the mall or at the grocery store, I used to call her and tell her all about it...made us feel young again :-)

I miss her when my daughter asked me to read her a book and she picked the one my best friend had given me (one of the many books she sent)...It was the one called "Humor for the Heart"...in it she wrote "something to make you smile when you're feeling down"...I smiled when I read her note then cried when I realized that she's no longer in my life....

I miss her when I saw the outfit she gave my daughter...how thoughtful of her to think of my kids when she was vacationing in the Philippines....she used to be sweet like that...

I miss her when I see that cute basket sitting on my kitchen counter. She sent me that basket (full of all kinds of fruits) on one of my birthdays....

I miss her when I just want to talk about anything...when I'm feeling sad or happy, just having her there to share my every day life with....

I miss her laughter the most...we used to laugh so hard together...she has a great sense of humor and I feed off of that...we could go on and on talking about silly things and just laugh about it....

There are sooo many things I miss about our friendship....she was the only one I have come to trust...she knows me like no one else does...she knows my heartaches and pain....I used to be afraid to put my defenses down but with her, I felt safe enough to let her into my life...to know the real me....and I felt like she didnt treasure our friendship enough...didnt value it as much as I did....and letting her go was the best thing....for me perhaps...cause I dont want to keep hoping for things to go back to the way it was before when I know that she has changed.....

Things are different now...I dont think I'll ever trust anyone again...Its hard for me to make friends with anyone anymore....I just dont want to share and give a part of myself to someone I barely know....Its not that easy to find another best friend....I was blessed that God has sent her my way...and I'll always be thankful for the times we shared...Wish our friendship had lasted longer....but it is what it is..........  ~K~

I'm still working on my template *sigh...It still doesnt look like the way I want it to look so I guess this will take awhile..lol..Anyway, thought I'd take a break and post my favorite poem just to see how it would look here... I loveeee writing poems...wish I could write one like like Veronica Shoffstall..but my heart just writes the simple ones..nothing great but it definitely comes from the heart...

 ~After Awhile~ by Veronica Shoffstall

After awhile, you learn the DIFFERENCE between HOLDING a HAND and CHAINING a SOUL....

 You learn that LOVE doesnt mean LEANING, and COMPANY doesn't mean SECURITY....

And you begin to accept your defeats with you HEAD UP and your eyes ahead, With a GRACE of a WOMAN, not a GRIEF of a CHILD...

You learn to BUILD all your roads TODAY, because TOMORROW'S ground is too UNCERTAIN for plans, and FUTURE'S have a way of FALLING DOWN in mid-flight....

After awhile, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.... So you PLANT your OWN GARDEN, and DECORATE your own soul.. Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers...

 And you learn that you really can ENDURE, You really are STRONG, You really do have WORTH, and you learn, and you learn..... with every GOODBYE, you LEARN.....